If you grew up with a brother or sister, then you surely have your fair share of stories about battling with them. My husband, the youngest in a house full of boys, spent approximately a year of his childhood hanging by his belt loop from a hook on the closet door. In my house the stories go back for generations. A family favorite features my mild-mannered Aunt Judy chasing her then-twelve-year-old younger sister (equally sweet and gentle Aunt Nancy around the house with a knife. No one seems to remember the offense that sparked this passionate fit of rage between sisters, but you can be sure it had something to do with, well, being sisters.

Sibling rivalry is as old as the hills, and from the parents of Cain and Abel, right on up to Dr. Phil, we’ve been trying to figure out just what makes this relationship so fraught with conflict. My own experience tells me it’s a juicy compote of personality type, competition for resources (namely the Light of the Parental Gaze, and differing developmental clocks. But whatever the causes, what experts seem to agree on is that the only sensible parental response to inter-sibling bickering is no response at all. (Unless, of course, one of them is chasing the other around the house with a knife.

I recently came across a radio documentary about a woman with two daughters who fought on a nearly continual basis (To download visit thislife.org and select episode 303 from 2005. It was driving the mother crazy, so she devised a plan. She convinced her oldest, Daughter A, to spend one month playing nicely with her younger sister, Daughter B, to see if this positive attention would change what Daughter A saw as her sister’s deeply irritating behavior. (Note: Daughter A complied with this experiment only after being offered $100 for going through with it. What the mother secretly hoped was that the experiment would actually change Daughter A’s intolerant behavior towards her sister by creating a history of playing nicely together.

Early on in the experiment the fights were continuing as usual — more frequently, actually, because of the increased time the girls were spending together. The mother could only take so much and would eventually intervene, usually on behalf of the younger daughter, reinforcing bad behavior on both sides. But somewhere around the second week, a light bulb went off for the mother, and she decided to see what would happen if she didn’t intervene at all in the fights. So the next time there was a sisterly flare-up, the mother got herself out of earshot, and left the girls to work it out for themselves. It took a lot of willpower to step aside, but she stuck to it, and lo-and-behold, by the end of the month, her daughters’ relationship had shifted. While still having the occasional squabble, they now played together nicely on a routine basis, and had clearly developed an empathy for each other and an emotional connection that hadn’t been there before. So what do we learn from this experiment that was designed to alter two girls’ behavior? It was the mother’s behavior that needed to change!

That said, there are some important ground rules we should establish as heads-of-households that can help when siblings battle. These are pure common sense: No physical violence. No verbal violence (teasing, put-downs, etc. Early on in the sibling relationship, you can and should step in to help the little guys learn how to resolve conflicts. This doesn’t mean taking sides and rescuing one sibling or punishing another. It’s about helping each to find words to express what they’re feeling, and to negotiate a resolution. But once you’ve laid the foundation, step aside and let them figure out a solution. If things get too out of hand, separate them, again without taking sides. Remember that you are Switzerland in this battleground — the minute you take sides, is the minute you imbue the fight with a far more valuable prize than who ends up with the Bratz doll. As stressful and unpleasant as fighting is, remind yourself that it’s a necessary part of growing up and learning to live in a society with others. It helps us develop important life-skills, like empathy, compromise, negotiation, and how to control powerful feelings.

None of us went into parenthood expecting our children to be at war with each other — but mark my words that even the closest of brothers and sisters will try to gouge one another’s eyes out at some point. And yet, just like my aunts, it doesn’t mean that they won’t grow up to be the best of friends.

Resources:
childdevelopmentinfo.com
kidshealth.org
askdrsears.com
Siblings Without Rivalry, by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish

–Karen McMillen

Karen is a writer and filmmaker living in the Boston area, where Joe-the-son and Maggie-the-cat do battle daily for maternal attention. Send her a note karen@themommytimes.com