This is it. The Holy Grail of Toddlerhood. A milestone so momentous all others pale in comparison (OK, maybe not that first step. Or the first word. But the first emission into a potty comes in a very, very close third.

After two or three years of diapers, the thought of your child doing her business in the tidy confines of the potty might very well make your heart race with anticipation. But pace yourself Petunia — this one is a marathon, not a sprint. Sure, we’ve all heard about that mythical toddler who toilet trained himself in a weekend between breaks from watching Baby Einstein. But I’m here to tell you that if this creature exists, that weekend was preceded by many good long months, if not a year or more, of quiet preparation. While Mom and Dad were not looking, our potty prodigy was studying them, or older siblings, or preschoolmates, carefully taking mental notes and learning the rhythms of his body. Then, only when all of his groundwork had been carefully laid, did he pull it all together and pull off the Pull-Ups for good. For the vast majority of toddlers however, the process is much more overt, drawn-out, and fraught with error.

The Dance

Along about their 18th month, many children spark an interest in the potty. One day, you’ll sit down to do your business, and there they are. Not for a cuddle, or for company, but intent, curious and, well, staring. Then perhaps they’ll start to toddle over to the potty themselves, climb aboard and sit for awhile. Please note: This is not your cue to go rushing to the phone to trumpet the news to your husband/mother/best friend/local news media. This is most likely the first step of a very, very long dance. Toddlers usually cycle through several rounds of being fascinated with and then completely dispassionate about the potty. You remember that developmental curve you learned about back in school? It turns out that it’s not really a long smooth arc from point A to point B. It much more resembles a very jiggedy, erratic, and at times seemingly non-contiguous line.

Fear not. To quote Vicki Iovine, author of the Girlfriend’s Guide parenting series, “They all learn to use the potty before kindergarten.” You are your child’s dance partner in this process, and it’s important that you follow her lead. In my son’s little universe of friends and classmates, each kid toddled along after his own tiny drummer and mastered the process somewhere between 2.5 and 3.5. Which says to me that each of them was hard-wired to master pottying on his own schedule, and there is very little the hapless adults in his life could have done to speed the achievement along.

Mother, Know Thy Child

The first, and most important rule in Potty Training, is to Know-Thy-Child. (In fact, this is the first and most important rule in all of parenting, so keep it handy! If you’ve been watching closely over these past many moons, you will have noticed that your little one circles each new developmental task like a hawk tracking its prey. To a distracted parent (hello, speaking from experience, here, it can seem like your little Mozart has suddenly taken a giant developmental leap. But don’t be fooled. Each individual kid might be more or less obvious about the process she goes through, but a process it is, full of forward assaults, tactical retreats and flanking maneuvers.

So the first step in this mighty milestone of toddler development, is (drum roll, please to let your child take the first step. And the second. And the third. Your job is not as Potty Trainer (equipped with whistle, timer and flushable wipes but as Potty Training Facilitator.

Too Much Attention Will be Used Against You

When your little darling is ready to go a few rounds with the Potty, you, the Ringside Assistant can help your little learner in her quest for the title with the following:

• Right Food: to help everything come out OK. (Think fiber. Think liquid. Don’t go crazy overboard, but an apple here, a sippy cup of water there will help keep the plumbing running smoothly.
• Right Clothing: Now is the time to retire those Osh-Kosh-B’Gosh overalls. Take one last picture and pack them carefully in the cedar chest, along with every other adorable, but complicated piece of clothing in the closet. There is no way little fingers could hope to manipulate complex buttons, hooks, etc. in the race to get the bum on the potty when Nature comes calling. Befriend the elastic waistband, it will be a staple in your child’s wardrobe for months, perhaps years, to come. For those pants that won’t stay put, try a Myself Belt. These toddler-friendly belts are specially designed for a child to open and shut by themselves.
• Right Attitude: Never forget that you are supporting your toddler in this journey, not leading. By now you should be getting pretty familiar with your child’s unique personality cocktail, spiked with differing amounts of independent spirit, lurking onlooker, eager-to-pleaser, etc. As Personal Assistant to the Trainee, it is your job to know what kind of involvement and praise by you will encourage him in his endeavor, and what will overwhelm him. In my fiercely independent son’s case, even merely suggesting that he might want to consider using the potty, as it had been a good six hours since his last visit, would send him into a full-throttle standoff that I swear has resulted in a bladder with camel-like capacity. I learned over time that the only thing I could do to help him was to make sure there were plenty of flushable wipes within reach, and to hover quietly outside the door in the event that a mishap or miscalculation would prompt him to call for reinforcements.

And if you choose to use rewards (M&Ms, stickers, copious amounts of praise, etc. to entice your trainee forward in this process, be prepared for him to up the ante on the whole business by testing out some new manipulative maneuvers on you.

Potty Chairs, Toilet Seats, and Public Places

In my effort to keep up with my son’s seemingly sudden onset of interest in using the toilet, I must have bought every potty training apparatus available — in duplicate (one for upstairs, and one for downstairs because, gasp, WHAT IF THE MOMENT CAME AND WE WEREN’T NEAR THE POTTY SEAT?! I even bought this cute little foldable, portable potty seat for putting on public toilets — ingenious! I wanted one for myself! My son didn’t want anything to do with it, though. In fact, it’s still in the package. My little soldier wanted the real thing, the porcelain throne, and would hoist his little bottom up, planting his hands on the seat to hold himself in place, before I could even present another option. Of course, I just about died the first time this happened in a public bathroom, but after a few rounds of thorough hand washing, deep breathing, and a quick review of the brilliance of the human immune system, I calmed down and got used to the idea. Sure made things simpler for Mom.

To Pull-Up, or Not to Pull-Up

My son’s preschool had a pretty strict no Pull-Ups policy. Their philosophy was that once a child decided he was ready to learn to use the potty, it was time to pull out the Big Boy or Girl Undies, and to never turn back. The theory was that it was crucial to the process of learning to have accidents that actually felt like accidents — sodden clothes and all — rather than accidents that were quickly wicked away from your skin, leaving you to comfortably continue building that intricate block tower without distraction.

I, of course, was a little bit more timid at home about the, well, mess, and we definitely went through a Pull-Up period under our own roof. Thankfully, my son seemed to navigate the two terrains just fine. So once again, it all comes down to your child’s individual wiring – think about what approach might work best for him. Does she attack new challenges with gusto? Or is he more likely to amble towards a goal? And just how intensely are you willing to take your role as Personal Assistant? (A note here: it was during this phase of my life that I discovered exactly what the “soak” and “pre-wash” cycles on my washing machine were for.

Dropping the Bomb

For some reason, many, many kids master all other parts of pottying well before they are ready to master the Big One. Having only ever pooped into their diaper, something about letting the event happen on a potty seat or toilet is traumatic, and resistance can linger far longer than you imagine would be possible. How is it that the exultation about Big Boy Pants completely unravels when it’s time to go Number Two? Whatever the reasons, be prepared for your otherwise perfectly potty trained child to run up to you with a diaper, begging you to put it on because he as to poop, “NOW!” As his Personal Assistant, it is your job to get that diaper on, and resume your Right Attitude until he works this thing out for himself. And he will. I promise.

Day and Night, Night and Day

A quick word here about the difference between night and day. As in, there is a very different set of skills required to rouse yourself from sleep when you need to go to the bathroom, than you need to recognize those signals during the day. Night dryness can lag behind day-dryness by a frighteningly long time. Each child, again, has his or her own individual developmental clock for achieving night dryness, so don’t worry if the Pull-Ups are a part of jammie-time for a long time to come.

Flushing…

…is not just a place in Queens. Some kids take to it with gusto — dizzy with power and the allure of gushing water. Some cover their ears and run screaming from the room. And still others dissolve into tears at the sight of their precious “product” whooshing away to who knows where. Flushing can take time to work up to, and you can safely put it on the back burner while all of the other pottying tasks are mastered. It might be hard to discern exactly when fear gives way to apathy, but apathy will come and that will be your cue to usher your child towards Potty Training Graduate School: The Clean Up. Seat down. Flush. Wash hands, with soap. And you thought it took a long time to master the basics…

– Karen McMillen

Karen is a filmmaker and freelance writer living in the Boston area. She and her son Joe are currently in their second year of Potty Training Graduate School. Send her a note karen@themommytimes.com